MY7THLIFE

I had a dream last night… A dream about Bapa. He looked youthful, with a healthy head of hair. He returned home with Babu, supposedly from a trip to the UK.

Then I found myself in the front passenger’s seat of a brand new, white Pajero, and Bapa was driving. I remember thinking to myself, “Tsk. Bapa and his love for big cars.”

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I remembered it was a few months after my dad’s passing… I was very good at putting up a strong front towards other people. After the first week of his demise, I rarely cried in front of anyone. I just cried when it’s time to go to bed. Alone. That was how I preferred it.

Being the eldest of two children, I felt that I had to be strong for my mom and my little sister. And I was. I think I did a good enough job anyway.

But there was this one moment when I was in my room, few months after, browsing through YouTube videos, and played Luther Vandross’ Dance With My Father. I started crying straight away, but I forgot to lock my bedroom door.

So when my mom suddenly walked into my room, finding me crying… I stopped, wiped my tears away, and pretended I was OK again.

It was then my mom said, “It’s OK to cry. Don’t keep it in. You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

She was right. But I stopped anyway. Alas, that was the last time she saw my tears. I can’t bear the thought of other people thinking I’m weak. I don’t like it. But I am. I’m very weak, and sometimes I don’t know if I can keep up being strong all the time.

… what would he say to me?

Would he ask questions? Questions like;

“Inda kau balik tengahari ani?”

“Kenapa kau inda sambung belajar?”

“Sembahyang sudah?”

Or;

“Bisai-bisai ulah atu.”

“Bapa OK kalau kau ada boyfriend.”

Hahaha, he actually said that last one when he was alive, back in 2002. I really think if he was alive today, he’d say it again.

Or maybe he won’t say anything. Maybe I’ll get a hug.

Will there ever be a day when I don’t miss my dad? Maybe when I get to see him again one day. Insha Allah.

Bapa,

You would have been 55 today. 4 years and 4 days ago, you passed away and left us behind. From our living room to the ER, in disbelief, I watched you leave us.

I miss you, and I love you. I know I never said it when you were alive, but you know I loved you, though I showed it in a different way.

I’m sorry I haven’t paid a visit to your resting place, but it’s because I get too choked up most of the time… I can’t bear to see the tombstone that bears your name… It still hurt like it was yesterday. Sometimes I still can’t come to terms with your death.

But you’re really gone, and nothing’s going to change that fact. I love you, and I hope you are resting in peace. I hope I haven’t been too big of a disappointment to you.

Al-Fatihah.

• If you can help it, never borrow anything from anyone. Earn it if you want it so badly.
• Education is important.
• You can do whatever you want, but don’t say he never warned you.
• Always forgive, especially yourself.
• Never forget, especially your debts with others.
• Smile, just smile.
• Laugh your worries away, because stress is unnecessary.
• Love; as it is effortless, unlike hate.

Most importantly, he taught me the importance of patience.

I miss you, bapa. Al-Fatihah.