MY7THLIFE

I had a dream last night… A dream about Bapa. He looked youthful, with a healthy head of hair. He returned home with Babu, supposedly from a trip to the UK.

Then I found myself in the front passenger’s seat of a brand new, white Pajero, and Bapa was driving. I remember thinking to myself, “Tsk. Bapa and his love for big cars.”

So we were driving around, looking for someone’s house. This house belonged to a friend of mine, and apparently Bapa knew her father. So he was confident that he knew where it was. As he always was when he was alive.

But, as usual, we were going the wrong way. But before we realized our mistake, he was asking me questions, and one of the dialogues went something like this;

Bapa: What was that movie you liked that you told me about?
Me: Which one was that?
Bapa: The one with a lot of cars, and someone who sounds like me.

In the dream, I couldn’t recall which movie it was, but I just told him it was the animated movie, Cars.

He also asked me about the boy I liked. One of the sad parts of my dream was that I remember wanting to talk to him about boys. I wanted to ask his advice, and why is it so hard to find a life partner. I really wanted to talk to him about it, but I also remembered I didn’t want to bring down the happy mood we were in despite going in the wrong direction.

When we got back to the main road to get to the right street, I thought to myself that this was too much fun. This had to be a dream. So I came up with an experiment. I said to myself, “If I started the conversation first, this will all go away.”

Because that’s what usually happens in dreams where the person I long to see is in it. When I start to take the reins on it, it’ll change into a different dream, or I’ll just wake up.

So, I decided to say, “Bapa, I love you.”

The moment the words slipped out of my mouth, I was no longer in the Pajero, but I was a pedestrian, queueing up to cross a road. While I was standing there, I got sad, but as what I do in real life, I didn’t show it,

Meanwhile, the people ahead of me in the queue was discussing about making the line a proper one so that no one would be confused about where the line actually was. I just nodded in agreement.

Someone from behind me touched me on both shoulders to ask me what was going on. As I turned around to explain it, I saw a tall, Caucasian woman with beautiful, gold hair.

I tried hard not to gawk.

When the queue started to move and cross the road, I was a little out of breath. The woman asked me what was wrong. I thought I was tired from walking, but I didn’t realize that I was out of breath from crying!

So I told her, all about Bapa, and I stopped in my tracks because it got so much harder to breathe because I was crying, and sobbing. I bent down and cried so hard, that I woke up, still crying and still finding it hard to breathe.

I feel like I lost Bapa all over again. I feel that it was my fault that he was gone (from the dream). Felt that all I wanted to do with him was just drive around to some random person’s house and get lost on the way.

I didn’t realize I missed Bapa this much.